11/05/07 -- riding the air

Here I am delirious, cramming studying for 2 midterms the night before because I held off school for a month being too wrapped up in my own head.  In the midst of a break after 10 hours of frying my brain studying, I am still here thinking again.  I am thinking about feeling lonely despite how many friends I’ve made in my lifetime, thinking about my inability to express myself romantically, thinking about my slight addiction to weed, thinking about my academics and why I’m fearful of being incapable of excelling the way I am accustomed to, thinking about my personal project because I don’t know exactly where I’m going with it and wondering if it is just a dream or an attainable reality, thinking about my life back in Oakland, thinking about the mental and emotional changes I’ve experienced drastically in the last two years, thinking about family and all that they are sacrificing for me to be in the position that I am right now which I often don’t even feel like I can even sustain… thinking about giving up and not knowing exactly what it is that I’m giving up on, thinking about what’s been wrong with me the past few days and why even running hasn’t even been able to get me straight in my mind, thinking about what is missing right now while knowing that I have no idea if I’m even missing anything at all.

Then, I took a hit and picked up “Song of Solomon” from my shelf.  As difficult as it was to concentrate, I began flipping through the first few pages despite how long it took me to absorb each sentence.  I was ecstatic that I had underlined and marked certain things 2 years ago, because I am really curious to recall the kind of thoughts I had just 2 years ago.  I got really inspired by the foreword of Song of Solomon.  I honestly never loved the book as much as Bronwyn did, but I knew I found it in a dusty, practically hidden box in my basement a few weeks ago for a specific reason: I am meant to re-read it.  That book was the book Bronwyn taught us senior summer, the same book that I wrote the 10 page paper of on my mother.  I think it was very interesting that Toni Morrison had such a strong relationship with her father, that when she lost him, she kind of lost herself because she felt closer to him than herself.  If I would have wrote that 10 page sins of father (of our previous generations) paper on my father instead of my mother, I would imagine the paper to be entirely different. 

It is so true that when you read text again that you’ve read before after you have done some critical thinking and experienced growth in your personal connection to literacy, the words don’t bounce off the page the same; they bounce off the pages more powerfully.  Like Toni Morrison said, I want to let my creativity go and literally fly, something I have always wanted to do anyway.  She says “if you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.”   If I keep writing, if I keep riding, thinking, achieving and believing, I will find it.

 I really don’t know where my life is going sometimes and that scares me.  I think everything used to be quite predictable and laid out for me, but it’s weird that ever since I’ve turned 18, I’ve kind of had to lay it out for myself.  I know I try extremely hard and I’m an achiever, but sometimes for some reason, that doesn’t feel like it’s enough.  I really don’t know where this disconnect is, or am I just even dreaming one on myself.  It’s a pain to be such a perfectionist, because perfectionists spend so much of their time dreaming!  I guess all I can do is keep writing and wait it out…

 Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end

Firestorm 2007

I love this distance.  I feel like I am on a constant journey to find my past… something that I should not need to seek, always been subconsciously trying to figure out.  Driving across the state for 8 hours isn’t fun, but I truly appreciate the distance.  Coming back home, on such spur of the moment, when I hadn’t really emotionally prepared for it, is really nice.  Living in two different worlds, like Enrique say, “builds your structure, your character, makes you a better person and benefits you in the long run.”  My 4 day vacation as a result of the San Diego fires hasn’t even started yet, but merely stepping back into this apartment, just getting some food to eat from the family’s fridge, and typing on the desktop I used junior and senior year already reminds me that I have a past.  I think I was twisted, lost and confused the last few days in San Diego when the fires were going on and everything was in turmoil and everyone had basically took flight away from the county.  I didn’t know where to be or what to do.  I am so glad, nonetheless, that I am back at home!  I can actually breathe clean air now; I can actually breathe.  It is so nice to be home for a weekend.  I am glad to be away from the smoky ash, the news of the firestorm playing on TV every minute, the mass hysteria, and the emptiness of San Diego.  I yearned to be in San Diego the last month of summer, and then I yearned even more so to be at home with the firestorm occurring in San Diego, just about one of the worst things that can happen within a county.  I started to think about what was really valuable to me, with all the evacuation talk, and I realized that besides for a backpack full of irreplaceable things (and I guess maybe my clothes), a lot of it was back home.  Costa Verde is such a nice living arrangement that it feels almost like a vacation resort, yet ironically, getting to be home for this 4 day weekend is just as equivalent to a vacation, if not, better.

last week in oakland

 i have exactly 1 week in oakland until i return for school, and like usual, i'm feeling ambivalent towards yet another transition.  i feel like this is my emo/stressful time because i'm saying bye to people and frantically packing, and this is also the longest break i've had at home since college started, but i think i'll be fine.  i'm really excited for my apt in costa verde, to see friends and for a new school year. 

as of yesterday, i got waitlisted off all of my classes.. the last one being intro to acting, the one i was most eager for.  yayyy

today i had a pretty good day too.  i went to the 24, and for the first time ever.. ran 1.5 miles non-stop.  i'm proud because today was definitely a reflection of my efforts with running this whole summer.  never in a million years would i ever expect myself to be able to do that! 

i also fixed my car brakes and washed my car!  my brakes dont squeal as hard and my car is clean!!!  i really should clean my car often because it feels so good whenever i get my lazy butt to do so.  it feels like cornelius is brand new now, lightweight.

i haven't done much for work the past 2 weeks, but i did sell an ultimate entertainer during one of my appointments (valued $2811).. crazy craziness.  i'm not tryna stress myself out over appointments as this week in itself is going to be so hectic, so we'll see.

all in all, i'm content with my summer and my time here, and just everything that i'm blessed with in general.  i have it pretty good, just gotta sometimes snap out of it and remind myself that

block party

okay so i had the most ridiculous conversation with my sister..

since me, her and my brother are all at home now (im usually not home for the school year), our place is kinda cramped.  one of my lil bro's friends came over and then i told my sis.. "dang.. i'm kinda embarassed, cause our place is so...."  she was like "sooo what?  ghetto fabulous?"  and i was laughing and she said "you know what's funny though.  our black neighbors came over the other day and asked us too sign a petition for this block party that we're supposed to have on sept. 4... i think it's supposed to be annual or something"

i always joke with my friends about my block having daily block parties cuz ppl be posting outside all the time.. but we're really having one on sept 4!  i'm bout to meet my neighbors nd go dumb with them possibly.. yeeeeeee

my summer / stanford visits

^{So.. to sum up this summer.. I couldn't find employment despite my persistence and my efforts. It has been the most arduous job hunt of my life, and this summer has just been that much crazier of a personal journey for me. I decided to give up on the job hunt because I found, it seems, the reason why I simply couldn't get a job. In a vague and rather simplistic way to phrase this reason is, well, I've found a purpose instead and have really discovered what I'm truly passionate about. I am broke nonetheless, and though being an English TA for Upward Bound would have been beneficial and allowed me to make so much bank, I would have rather chose things to occur the way that they have in the past month.}

^{One of the many reasons I feel like I couldn't have worked this summer was because I have gotten the chance to frequent Stanford University, a total of 5 times. The 1st   time was to accompany Bronwyn (the UB teacher I was supposed to work with this summer) to present to her Stanford Graduate students, and I must say that first day alone was pretty amazing. Bronwyn basically gave me the floor (50 minutes) to present my writing to her section, who are part of this program called Stanford Teaching Education program. What this meant for me was to gather courage to go to Stanford, prepare a lesson plan, read out loud the pain that my mom has caused me over the years, give up my fear of public speaking in front of a group of people, share my secretive reflections to an older audience, and prepare for questions and possible criticism. It was way too necessary and empowering for me.}

^{Dear Bronwyn's Section (a.k.a. you lovely Stanford kids):}

^{I was even more excited to share this time than I was the first time, because this piece conveys some of the understanding I have absorbed through my collective visits to your STEP program, for I have learned a great deal about literacy, myself, the world, how to be a better person, and how to be a better teacher. Prior to these visits, my definition of a teacher was someone with credentials, someone super smart, with a certain number of years beyond my senior. Now, my definition of a teacher is anyone who wishes to share their perspectives and knowledge of the world he/she lives in, and this insight triggered when I realized how much I learned from the panel of Arroyo High students. It is essential to keep this in mind in order to have an open mind, to be able to truly listen and learn from your own students despite the stark differences in their age, gender, ethnicity, background and educational qualifications.}

<sup>I really wanted to be able to read this, especially as my final time to share, and this time I was conscious to truly use my voice. The first time I read in your class, I was kind of unsure of the idea of using my verbal voice. I grew up as a quiet kid because I honestly didn't have the confidence to speak up, and it maybe wasn't until the 11th grade that I slowly started speaking up. I didn't really feel like I was reading-reading the first time I shared, so this time I made a conscious effort to pause upon punctuation, pause a few seconds longer after more powerful sentences to allow those sentences to sink in, stress necessary words and phrases, and to incorporate my colloquial speaking voice.

It's important to acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and pains, and for people who are non-writers, that can be done through examining your life's history as you would a history textbook, synthesizing scientific equations to figure out the nature of your world, formulating math models to apply to real-life situations, expressing through art/spoken word, whatever floats your boat or suits your disciplinary, as it's necessary to vent this anger. As builders of tomorrow, it is vital that you don't act as the oppressor by venting your sentiments of repression in healthy and personal ways, whether that be in public like I did today, or during the privacy of your solitude.</sup>

^{One thing that Bronwyn's Arroyo High students said that really spoke to me was the fact that when we read, we may feel like that piece of literature is unimportant because we aren't that person or we can't relate to that person, but we can relate. Though my struggles, pains are unique to me because I have had a different path than you guys, I feel like you guys may find a meaning out of hearing me speak, and that whatever that meaning may be can help you figure out something in your own lives. The ulterior motive of me reading this, is perhaps to suggest that even if someone you love and respect unconditionally doesn't support something that you wish to do, you can still desire to do so through your own determination and dream.}

^{Sincerely,
Thoai Lu}